Monday, February 07, 2005

Marx Brothers Quotes

Groucho: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho: From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Groucho: Go, and never darken my towels again.

Groucho: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho: I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Groucho: Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Groucho: He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Groucho: It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

Man: Are you a man or a mouse?
Groucho: Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out.

Groucho: Do you follow me?
Margaret Dumont: Yes!
Groucho: Well, you better stop following me, or I'll have you arrested.

Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"

We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere

Groucho: We must remember that art is art. Well, on the other hand water is water isn't it? And east is east and west is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesause they taste much more like prunes than rubarb does. Now uh...now you tell me what you know.

Groucho: If I were a man, you would resent that.

Groucho: "One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!"

Groucho: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks. You try it some time. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.

GROUCHO:"You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open."
CHICO:"Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes."

Chico: Sure we shadowed him: Tuesday we sit outside his house all day, but he no home. Wednesday we went to the ball game, he fool us and no show up. Thursday he go to the ball game, but we fool him and we no show up. Friday it was a double header, nobody show up, so we stay home and listened to it on the radio.

Chico: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Groucho: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chico: I don't remember. I was just a little baby.

Groucho: I could dance with you till the cows come home...But I would rather dance with the cows till you come home

Groucho: Why a four year old child could understand this. Run out and get me a four year old child, I can't make head or tail out of it.

Groucho: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Groucho: I can see you standing over a hot stove, but I can't see the stove

Groucho: If any form of pleasure is exhibited, report to me and it will be prohibited

Minister: "We need to take up the tax"
Groucho: "I'd like to take up the carpet."
Minister: "I still insist we take up the tax."
Groucho: "He's right - you've gotta take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet."

Treasury Secretary: "Sir, you try my patience!"
Groucho: "Don't mind if I do. You must try mine sometime."

Groucho: Don't look now but there's one man too many in this room and I think it's you.

Groucho: How would you like a job at the mint?
Chico: Mint? I don't like mint. What other flavors you got?

Groucho: Just for that I'm not going to give you the job I was going to give you.
Chico: What job?
Groucho: Secretary of War
Chico: Alright, I take it.

Groucho: To my dentist. Er .. 'Dear Dentist: Enclosed find cheque for five hundred dollars. Yours very truly.' Send that off immediately.
Zeppo:I'll ... er I'll have to enclose the cheque first.
Groucho: You do and I'll fire you.

Groucho: Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

Groucho: "My father was a little Headstrong, my mother was a little Armstong. The Headstrongs married the Armstrongs and thats why donkeys were born."

Groucho: I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Margaret Dumont: "Closer... closer... closer...."
Groucho: "If I were any closer, I'd be in the back of you"

CHICO: "I would like the west better if it was in the east"

Chico: "Who are you?"
Groucho: "Im fine, thanks. Who are you?"

Groucho: "Members of the faculty, faculty members. Students of Huxley and Huxley's students. Well I guess that covers everything"

Groucho: "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"

Groucho: And even when you've changed and condensed it, I'm against it!

Groucho: Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
And that reminds me of a story thats so dirty, I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

Zeppo: Dad, I'm proud to be your son
Groucho: You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father

Chico: You pay us a little we be a little Tough... You pay us alot we be alot Tough...

Groucho: Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.